May 14, 2025  |    Leave a comment  |    Home

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious housing calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Indeed, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And not the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are speaking Damascus, the town historically recognized for historic society, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It should be great. Great!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed with the putting environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We've had stunning ceasefires in Syria. Several of the very best. But now, we're making them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and entirely out of spot. Developed by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A 3-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • And a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable drinking water. But Sure, certain, let us have another spot in which American Adult men can dress in robes and phone it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign coverage analysts are calling this quite possibly the most audacious peace try because Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. When earlier negotiations unsuccessful beneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: offer Absolutely everyone a collection about the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be gentle electric power," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock needs fewer diplomats plus much more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms installed in Just about every unit. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire pointed out, "It isn't Trump Tower Damascus that Trump should not open up a tower inside a war zone. It is really that he should really stop using it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned regarding the undertaking, replied, "You realize, guy, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Great folks. Great tan. Anyway, do I still have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "upcoming evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of the Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the hotel's landscaping forms an enormous Trump head noticeable from Area, a feature becoming marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents and also the chin is… very well, categorized.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits following obtaining the creating's gold plating mirrored a great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fire to a local melon cart.


"It's not only unappealing. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," stated Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Confusing Functions


Perhaps the strangest ingredient on the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium the place visitors may ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with local weather Management set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Community Syrians are Not sure what to generate of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-calendar year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Method: "When you Bomb It, They may Come"


The advert marketing campaign, lately leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is Endlessly."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll done inside of a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% mentioned "where's the closest elevator on the West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "Eventually, a Disaster That Pays"


The project is already attracting focus from international traders, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll acquire 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional level may also consist of:




  • A Dollar Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Determined by the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the revealing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait to see a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a resort wherever my PTSD may have transform-down company."


A different submit from @KuwaitiKardashian merely questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Experiences counsel:




  • China may perhaps open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to create a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Remaining Views through the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It necessary gold. It necessary a waterslide formed such as the Structure. I gave everything a few. You are welcome."

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